So I was wandering the aisles of the grocery store (in search of Beast Burgers, if you must know, nosey!) when I happened upon such an extraordinary sight that I stopped dead in my tracks.
Bubba made a veggie burger? When did that happen?
I was so intrigued that I had to go back and take a pic, because…well, Bubba made a veggie burger.
That sentence alone is all you need to explain it. And, it’s fun to say, too. You know it is.
I took note and then continued on my search for Beast Burgers. Alas, I was to be disappointed in the fact that my local Safeway didn’t make room for The Beast on its shelves. How rude!
But they did have Bubba Veggie Burgers. And I did think that Hell would freeze over before I ever ate a Bubba burger again….
So you see where I’m going with this.
(Full disclosure, I haven’t eaten meat for nigh on 15 years…so I can’t honestly say if I ever ate a Bubba burger in the first place. But I ate plenty like them in my time, I’m sure.)
So I seyz to myself, “Self. If Bubba can make a veggie burger, then by gum you owe it to him to man up and taste one.” Yep, that’s what I said.
So I bought a pack.
Now, if’n we’re talkin’ price, Bubba beats Beast by the Barrel-full. I got 4 Bubba burgers for $4.00 at Safeway, and only 2 Beast Burgers for $6 at Wegmans. That’s a big difference.
For me, though, it all boils down to whether I want to have a burgergasm or not.
And I’ve decided that yes, yes I do.
So I tried the Bubba. I fried the Bubba. And I added A1 Sauce to the Bubba—to be fair—because that’s what I do to The Beast.
And what’s good for The Beast is good for The Bubba. (Ha. See what I did there?)
But here’s the problem with The Bubba, and so many like them:
They think we don’t really want a burger that tastes like a real burger. But we do.
At least I think we do…
I can’t speak for every vegan or vegetarian. I can really only speak for myself, but I know that I want a burger that tastes to me like the old burgers tasted. The ones that were full of poor dead cows. THAT, I want no part of anymore.
But folks like Bubba just don’t seem to understand that. They think that vegans and vegetarians all come from another planet, where everything tastes like vegetables and we WANT everything to taste like vegetables; in fact, we’re tickled pink about it.
I mean, if I’m being honest, probably the healthiest vegans DO mostly want that. I get it. I wish I were that enlightened.
But I’m not.
I want my burger to hold the texture, mouthfeel, and taste of a real burger. For me, the Beyond Burger, Beast Burger, and Beastly Sliders have come closest to that goal, and I could gobble them three times a week and still want more.
Most of the folks I know who no longer eat meat do it because they don’t want the animals to suffer, not because they only want to eat vegetables for the rest of their lives.
Bubba’s Burger fell apart. And it was smushy.
Bubba, I’m sorry to inform you, but the longer I cooked your burger, the mushier it got. The pic looks kinda pretty, but inside it was just not firmly burgerific. At all. And when I put it on the bun, it promptly oozed out the sides and toppled onto the plate.
Tsk tsk. That’s a No No, Bubba.
I think you’ll enjoy Bubba’s story as much as I did, because in reading between the lines, he might be saying “What the fuck am I doing making this stupid veggie burger. Trump would hate it, and so do I. Screw those board members who are making me do this. I hate my life.” Or something of that nature.
He pretty much confirms my theory that he thinks one can just throw in any old veggie stuff, smush it together, and Voila, the vegans will be happy.
I also think Bubba’s got some complaints headed his way when folks throw his burger on the grill (as instructed), and it all falls through the grate and onto the fire. Because it doesn’t hold together, Bubba! It just doesn’t hold together!
So please, go back to the drawing board on the taste and texture thing, my bubbalicious friend. I beg of you. Hire a vegan chef, that’s my recommendation. They’re the guys who know what we want and know how to make it for us.
And then I promise I’ll come back and buy a second batch. And probably a third and fourth.
What I AM especially heartened by with Bubba’s effort at Veggie Burgers, though.
Take heart, Bubba. I am still giving you an “A” for effort, because I’m super impressed that you have made the attempt to create a veggie burger at all.
Oh, and I’m gonna slap on a second “A” for being Gluten Free! Most veggie burgers aren’t, and that puts them out of the running for my favorite burger before we even hit the starting gate.
I for one am very encouraged that even the large animal carcass purveyors can see the writing on the wall.
Maybe they know veggie burgers will be easier to grow and cultivate in the Zombie Apocalypse (after all, cows don’t run that fast, and would probably make good zombie meals, too), OR they know that there are enough people with hearts in this world who will eventually decide THEY DON’T WANT TO CONSUME THE FLESH OF COWS WHO ARE CHOPPED INTO PIECES AND SKINNED WHILE THEY ARE STILL ALIVE.
No. No they don’t.
Don’t believe that happens to the animals? Surely you’re not that naive. Read this article, which is short, well-written, direct, and to the point: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/anna-pippus/meet-the-former-slaughter_b_10199262.html?ncid=engmodushpmg00000003
Note how the Beast Burger holds together, and gets all nice and burgery….yummm. Yum.
For those of you who like to compare ingredients
I know you’re out there. And you’ll ask if I don’t give it to you. Here you go:
The Bubba Veggie Burger, above.
The Beast Burger.
In the end, although I had a bit of fun with it, The Bubba Burger wasn’t awful. I’ve had much worse in the flavor department, and I’ve even had worse in the texture department. I think it needs work to have any staying power in the marketplace, and I hope Bubba puts in the effort. After all, the zombies WILL eat all the cows, that you can be sure of…so he will need an alternative ready and waiting for those not blown up by the nuclear bomb to partake of.
I plan to finish the pack, but I won’t be buying more unless I find that improvements have been made. I prefer my burgergasms, and I’m willing to pay more for them if need be. Curse you and my addiction, Beast Burger!