Why The Zombie Apocalypse is Preferable to a World Under Trump


The White House already has its first zombie. And they’re multiplying quickly.

I find myself daily wishing for the zombie apocalypse, which, admittedly, was my biggest fear before The Trumpinator became president. For most of my life I refused to watch any kind of end-of-the-world movies, because the possibility of them coming true was just too damn scary for me.

But now, as every day I anguish over our human and animal rights disintegrating into nothingness before my eyes—as if they never existed—I wistfully think “Damn, that zombie apocalypse is looking pretty good right about now.”

Having given it some serious consideration, I now present to you my top five reasons that I’d prefer the zombies:

1.) Zombies don’t lie. Yeah, they may grumble and moan, but that’s really the extent of it, and most of the time we’re too busy running to hold any kind of lengthy discussion. I mean, maybe they lie to each other in zombiespeak, but for those of us who are still human and can’t understand a damn word, it goes without saying that they far surpass Trump’s team in the honesty department.

2.) You know a zombie’s intentions. A zombie doesn’t hide his oh-so-well-thought-out plan. His goal is to either a.) eat your brains, or b.) turn you into a fellow zombie. I’m not sure how they decide who goes into what category, but by this point I suppose it really doesn’t matter whether you are slotted as a fellow-mind-gobbler or a mere light snack for the road. There are no secrets, no hidden agendas, no plots with other zombies. It’s a simple eating and turning process. But Trump’s team is chock full of schemes and nazi-planning committees, and the country is virtually at war over his intentions. I can assure you, they are not good.

3.) It’s over fast with a zombie. I already know I’m the first one dead in the zombie apocalypse, and I accept that. When my husband and I goof around and he chases me, I freeze up like a frightened rabbit, with him easily catching me every time. Fear takes over my body and I’m literally incapable of movement. This doesn’t bode well for me when the horde comes drifting down the driveway. But at least it will be over fast, and they’ll either get a good meal out of my YUGE brain, or I’ll join them and come to your house next.

In nazi-Germany, it took years for Hitler’s nefarious plans to come to full fruition, and the gaslighting and successful trickery of seemingly intelligent citizens must have given Hitler thousands of chuckles and ‘mwa-ha-has’ from his dictator inner-sanctum. I’m seeing the exact same scenario repeat itself now in Trump-land America, with even people on my side of the fence still yapping on about “let’s give him a chance.” What are you, morons? How much proof must there be before you grudgingly admit he’s a despot bent on the destruction of all America holds sacred?

4.) Zombies are more intelligent. Zombies eat a lot of brains, and that makes them SUPER smart, like, the bigliest, smartest people on the planet. Don’t let the smell fool ya. These guys are no dummies, and they can sniff you out from a mile away and charge to your front door, finding all kinds of wily ways to get into your home and mind. Literally. Trump, on the other hand, has to hire minions to catch your whiff, and then convince them you are dangerous with his winning personality before they decide to come for you. Zombies don’t need all that foolishness.

5.) The comparative sexiness of zombies is undisputed. I mean, let’s face it. Yeah, they reek, their clothes are in tatters, and their flesh is hanging from their bones, but have you seen Steve Bannon lately? (photo above). As much as Trump likes to throw shade at everyone else for their looks, team Trump would probably lose to the zombie princesses in the Post-Apocalyptic Beauty Pageant. I’m not even sure it would be a close contest.

So, zombies, please. Just eat my brains and get it over with, already. I’m frozen in bunny-mode, it won’t be hard. This long, drawn-out torture (has it really only been two weeks? I thought it was eons) is more than I can stomach.

Speaking of stomachs, I’m told I have the best bowels, super attractive to zombies the world over. [Yanks out an intestine and waves it around.] Come and get it, fellows. Your din din is ready.

P.S. If you actually want to try to stop the freight train destroying all our rights, here’s a good blog I just read today. I don’t really understand it all, because I’m not as smart as a zombie—obviously—but maybe it’s a path we can use to resist. https://thinkprogress.org/a-simple-guide-to-how-you-can-throw-sand-in-the-trump-administrations-gears-64843da93664#.rnlpq4t5j

From the blog: “Many laws announce a broad policy goal, then instruct a federal agency to fill in the details of how this goal will be achieved. During the Obama administration, agencies made rules to fight global warming, to protect LGBT Americans, to expand the number of workers who receive overtime pay, and to allow women to obtain birth control without a co-payment. All of these rules, and more [LIKE ANIMAL RIGHTS-MY ADDITION], are now in jeopardy thanks to the Trump administration.”

P.S.S. I’m not paid to say this, but here’s a zombie series I became addicted to reading. Probably the only one I’ve ever enjoyed (because, scary), by Rachel Higginson—Love and Decay. There are a few seasons built up by now, so lots of undead fun to be had for those interested. And, bonus, there is a creepy, lying despot one can hate with gleeful abandon.